No Shame Parenting Encouragement for That Uncomfortable Conversation
A friend caught her son with porn.
She was freaking out.
Understandably.
But it isn’t the end of the world.
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Porn isn’t like it was 30 years ago.
Growing up, I had to ask the guy behind the register in the gas station to get a magazine for me.
I had to say the name of it. That was embarrassing.
There were some terrible names beyond Playboy and Penthouse.
Today, porn is available anytime a device is close.
You don’t have to talk to anyone.
Bad news first.
Because of the hidden nature of porn, the infinite images on social media and the web, the quick moving short scenes, the ‘excitement’ created by all of it — it messes with the dopamine receptors in a brain, and can cause several issues for those who consume it regularly (sexually and relationally) in the future.
Now, the good news.
Thankfully, a 16 year old brain hasn’t fully developed. So, having honest, supportive, safe conversations, can help bypass bad habits from forming long term.
We’re Wired to Idolize Things
We all have things that are “idols” in our lives. Porn is one of hundreds (thousands?) of things that people can struggle with.
We look for things to satisfy us at a core level. We think sex, drugs, drinking, controlling people, working our butts off, etc… will solve our need for connection and unconditional love, but they don’t.
A Stronger Word for Idolizing Things in our Lives? Addiction
Psychiatrist Gerald May put it like this:
To be human is to be addicted, and to be addicted is to be in need of grace. We are all addicts in every sense of the word.
Thinking of it that way, remember that your child is not that different than you. Your struggle may look like codependence, or overeating, or drinking, or workaholism. Be humble and talk about your own struggles with your child. Show them you’re a real person. (You have worked on your own issues, and not repressed them, right?)
When you open with vulnerability, it shows you’re human.
Porn May or May Not be a ‘Classic Addiction’
We do a big disservice for those who aren’t “clinically” addicted to pornography, because scientifically, they keep going back and forth about whether its a “classic” addiction or not.
It may be more “compulsion” than “addiction”.
Point being: don’t worry about the words.
And don’t call your kid an addict.
Many things in our overstimulated world can cause brain chemistry changes. And yes, a brain can be altered by looking at lots of porn.
If your child is looking, remember their kid brain isn’t done developing. They’re being driven more by curiosity, pleasure or information seeking, not “addiction”.
A true blue ‘addiction’ causes a person to be unable to function in life without it. Your child likely isn’t there yet.
There may be a habit forming that could become a compulsion later.
So you need to have open and honest conversations about it without shame and guilt.
Guilt and Shame cause more stress, leading to entrenching the bad habit
Condemning your child will cause them to run away from you – to hide.
Those of us in the faith community have unintentionally (intentionally?) piled on to those who struggle with porn.
For most religious folks, porn represents adultery, or sex outside marriage. Because of that, it’s easy to condemn and shame – because those are such strongly held values.
Look — A kid is already scared to talk with you. To heap on religious based shame is only going to drive them further into hiding.
Don’t make it about your faith.
If they’ve been raised in a religious culture, they know what they’re doing is questionable. You don’t have to harp on it. Guilt and shame cause more hyped up anxiousness in the person who struggles… which then leads them to want to medicate and numb those feelings.
Guess where they will want to go to medicate? Yup. Porn.
Ask more questions. Give fewer demands.
Be genuinely curious.
Ask these questions in a relaxed way:
- What made you interested in looking at porn?
- Are your friends looking at porn?
- Where did you first see it?
- How do you feel after looking at it?
- Is this a regular habit of yours?
Listen carefully. Add your experience (if it applies) and begin to build a ‘conversation culture’.
Create a culture of conversation.
When your kid is afraid to talk to you, you’ll be less able to guide them. One of the most beneficial things my mom ever did was ask me questions.
We saw someone with purple hair and a nose ring: “So Stu, what do you think about her hair?”, She’d ask.
She wouldn’t judge or tell me what to think, she’d just let me chat with her and think about it for myself. Nothing was off limits.
Two more questions that could be helpful for all situations, not just porn related:
- What did you think about ________? (it can be anything — to get the conversation started)
- Did you have any questions about (what you saw)?
Connect with his heart, not with his behavior.
Encourage his strengths and call him to higher behaviors.
You have to let your child know that they have value and are able to resist the urges that can happen when they are tempted to view porn.
You need to express that they’re a person who “doesn’t need porn” to numb feelings or escape reality.
Compassion and Empathy: Seek to Understand
When you lead with Compassion (A sympathetic awareness of another’s distress)…and empathy (understanding and identifying with another and comprehending their emotions), you’ll build bridges to your child, not erect walls.
How else can you encourage them? Here are a couple thoughts:
- Have them write out their feelings. Journaling is a useful tool to learn about their big emotions that they might not know what to do with.
- Encourage them to talk to you when they feel overwhelmed.
- Remind them to not go to their devices when urges hit. Encourage outdoor time, exercise (like a simple walk), go grab coffee with a friend. Living real life is more interesting (and healthy) than pixels on a screen.
- Do consider web blockers if it’s a consistent habit. There are great options to choose from these days. Some will send accountability reports, some just lock certain sites. Most devices also have a “parent mode” to keep certain web addresses from loading and apps from being downloaded.
Kids are gonna mess up, but it’s not the end of their story.
Our brains and bodies don’t fully develop until we’re in our mid 20s.
Any BIG choices or changes in a kids brain aren’t solidified until that point. Even after that, they’re finding more and more, that our brains are able to rewire to healthier patterns.
As good as you think your kid is, you have to know that they are doing things without your knowledge. You have to be prepared to love them, not condemn them when you find out (whatever it may be).
Be proactive in safely connecting with them so they aren’t as inclined to make bad choices that could lead to major consequences.
Originally posted on Medium