Some thoughts on cruddy communication
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. — George Bernard Shaw
Communication with your spouse isn’t only about communication.
Its about connection.
The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.
Anyone can lob information back and forth like two pickle-ball players, but Newsflash: You aren’t married to a pickle-ball.
Here are the big communication issues I run into when talking with couples:
Unexpressed Expectations
We all have expectations. If you don’t communicate them to your spouse, there’s potential for an argument or miscommunication.
If you don’t say to your spouse, “Hey, I was thinking about doing xyz today…” and just assume they know what you’re thinking?
You’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Be direct and talk to your spouse about what’s on your mind.
Not Listening
Nothing shows disrespect — and a lack of connection — like not listening.
Too many times Lisa and I have said to each other, “Are you listening to me?” While the other one is buried nose deep in their phone, doom scrolling on InstaXbook.
Put down the phone.
Mind Reading
As much as you THINK you know your spouse, its best to assume you don’t have them completely figured out.
Author Eric Barker suggests that when we try to finish each others sentences (or predict what our spouse is thinking), those who are REALLY good at it… only get it right about 34% of the time.
That means most people are wrong 66% of the time or more.
Assuming that your spouse will act one way or another puts your brain on autopilot. Instead, be curious about your spouse and intrigued when they don’t act the way you expect them to.
Criticizing
Mary Poppins was right.
“A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.”
When you criticize your spouse all the time, you suck the life out of them and your marriage. They begin to walk on eggshells around you — feeling as if they can never please you as hard as they try.
Why not look for positive things your spouse does — and encourage them more than you criticize? Sure, it will take some effort, but it’s worth it.
Contempt
Contempt is best described as a feeling of “I’m better than you and I’m gonna let you know it”.
It may look like eye rolling or huffing when you don’t get your way. Sarcasm and mocking your spouse can also be contempt.
It comes across like ‘you believe your spouse isn’t worth the time or effort anymore — so why even try’?
Contempt is a marriage killer, so you need to figure out how to express your needs in a healthy way without belittling the other.
Stonewalling
When a spouse leaves a difficult conversation, or doesn’t talk for 3 days (while the other is wondering what in the heck is going on)…that’s stonewalling.
Stonewalling happens when one partner feels attacked, criticized or overwhelmed with negative emotions.
Sometimes you should take a break when you’re arguing with your spouse. But make sure you come back to the issue later when you both have clear heads. Don’t just sweep it under the rug.
Defensiveness
Your spouse wants you to take responsibility for something done or said, but instead, you blame them.
Being defensive puts you in a type of passive mode — where you put all the responsibility on your spouse (or the thing you are blaming).
Instead of bobbing and weaving to deflect any type of accountability for your own behaviors, take responsibility when you mess up or frustrate your mate.
Ok, so have you battled these in your marriage?
- Is there one type of communication misfire that you or your spouse usually go to that you know needs work?
- The last four items on this list are from Dr. John Gottman. He calls Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”. They are biggies to watch out for.
- Have you played pickle-ball? My wife and son have, but I haven’t made it to play yet. Someone told me it has really odd rules and takes a couple times to figure it out.
I coach husbands (and wives) on how to reconnect and keep going in their marriage when times get tough.
Schedule a free 30 minute marriage coaching consult with me here.