I wish I knew these 10 things before taking my first look at Porn

#6 Sex is Important, but Not the Most Important Thing

“You gotta check this out.”

He sprinted up the stairs, turned around and waved me up.

We snuck into a dingy bedroom with stains on the carpet.
His parents room.

He squatted on hands and knees near the king size bed and expected me to do the same.

Magazines. Piles. Of. Magazines.

We spent the next 20 minutes thumbing through the pages of ladies without clothes.

That was my first exposure to porn.
I was nearly 12.

I assumed since HIS dad had porn, MY dad probably did, too.
So I went looking, and I found a stash.

That started the habit that nearly wrecked my marriage.

If I could go back and talk to me as a 12 year old, here’s what I would say:

1. Porn can kill your relationships

Porn isn’t real.

Sex in marriage doesn’t look like porn sex. If you expect those things — it will lead to a breakdown in your sex life — expecting something that doesn’t exist.

Porn cheapens intimate sex between two people.

2. Porn can kill your DESIRE and your ability to perform in bed

Training your brain to look for “new and different” will cause your brain to be overly excited by “new and different”.

Problem: Your spouse isn’t new or different. They’re tried and true. If you can only perform to ‘new and different’, that’ll wreck your marriage.

Your healthy desire for your spouse will decrease because you’ve trained your brain to respond to novelty.

3. You can NOT look at pornography AND have a fulfilling sex life

First, you need to stop taking in porn.

Viewing porn ‘numbs’ pleasure receptors in your brain. (Not the “scientific term”, but that’s how it works).

Next, you have to be intentional. Ask for forgiveness if you were busted hiding it. Put on Filters. Get in Support Groups. Get a coach. Get Counseling. More on this in a minute.

Side note: Have grace for your spouse. It’ll take them time to realize you’re trying your best to give it up. Hiding your behaviours can cause a deep hurt in the hearts of significant others. But over time and with your effort, you will rebuild trust.

Express your desire to battle porn together. And don’t kid yourself: It IS a battle.

4. Married sex isn’t a porn video

Real sex involves 2 real people in real time.

Its much more exciting and rewarding emotionally, physically and sexually to have sex with your spouse, not yourself and a screen.

You connect physically, emotionally, and spiritually when you have sex with your spouse. Not with pixels.

5. Porn can lead you to have terribly unrealistic expectations

What? Your wife doesn’t want to be twisted into a sexy pretzel?

Come on. The positions that some of the performers in porn get into can not be fun (or comfortable). They definitely don’t look natural.

It’s all freaking pretend.

6. Sex is Important, but Not the MOST Important Thing in Your Relationship

It’s 1 important thing. Yes.

But ‘full on’ intimacy means sharing your heart, soul, mind, emotions, cares, worries, dreams, money, etc. with each other. Great sex is an overflow of all the other intimate areas of your life.

Porn short circuits your brain to only focus on sex. But for a healthy relationship, you want to share your whole being with your spouse.

7. Porn compulsion is the result of something else in your life you need to work on

For me, porn started as something intriguing, but ended up being something I ran to when I was hurting, afraid, feeling “less than”, or bored.

It was easier to numb out, than to deal with my emotions. It became an outlet to unplug.

What I needed was 3 things:

1. Real relationships with healthy men (primarily) to share my life with
2. A bigger purpose and passion than just sex
3. A loving supportive wife to walk with me through this, not condemn me forever

8. Right is right even if no one else is doing it, and wrong is wrong, even if everyone else is doing it.

“Everybody does it” Is the common thinking around watching porn.
No, not really.

And we shouldn’t generalize about things we don’t know for certain.

Most guys I hang with now, see the problem with draining your life through pixels on a screen.

We’re supposed to be men who love one woman. I haven’t done it right in the past, but as much as I’m able, I want to be a one woman man for the rest of my future.

9. Get help if you can’t stop by yourself

There are support groups, counseling, recovery centers, coaching and more.

My support comes primarily from a 12 step group called Celebrate Recovery. I walk with guys who I call, and they call me when they need encouragement.

One of the best ways to keep out of porns grip?
Help someone else with their compulsion to look at porn.

10. ‘Porn Addict’ is not your identity.

When shame and guilt flair up from acting out with porn, it’s easy to think of yourself as less than others.

Why do you think guys aren’t dating women as much these days? Their porn habits keep them wrapped up in their own selfish needs. Then they feel ashamed, alone and not ‘enough’. It’s a vicious cycle.

It keeps men from seeking real relationships with women.

But porn and masturbation aren’t who you are. It’s a habit you’ve developed, and it can be rerouted into healthy behaviours.

I wish I would have known these things before looking for my dad’s porn stash when I was 12.

I hope they encourage you to get unstuck from your own habit of porn consumption.